Must provide on-the-site training
in basic life skills,
such as nose blowing.
Must have strong skills
in negotiating,
conflict resolution
and crisis management.
Ability to suture
flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able
to think out of the box
but not lose track of the box,
because you most likely will need it
for a school project.
Must reconcile
petty cash disbursements
and be proficient
in managing budgets
and resources fairly,
unless you want to hear,
"He got more than me!"
for the rest of your life.
Also,
must be able to drive
motor vehicles safely
under loud
and adverse conditions
while
simultaneously
practicing
above mentioned skills
in conflict
resolution.
Must be able to
choose your battles
and stick to your guns.
Must be able to
withstand
criticism,
such as
"You don't know
anything."
Must be
willing to be hated
at least temporarily,
until
someone needs
$5 to go skating.
Must be willing to
bite tongue
repeatedly.
Also, must possess
the physical stamina
of a pack
mule
and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph
in
three seconds flat
in case, this time,
the
screams from the
backyard
are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish
toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls,
maintain
calendars
and coordinate production of
multiple
homework projects.
Must have ability to plan
and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages
and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to
be indispensable
one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly
and product safety testing
of
a half million
cheap, plastic toys
and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic
entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser
will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base,
so as to answer
questions such as
"What makes the wind move?"
or
"Why
can't they just go in
and shoot Sadam Hussein?"
on the fly.
Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final,
complete accountability
for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include
floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none.
Your job is to remain
in the
same position for years,
without complaining,
constantly
retraining and
updating your skills,
so that
those in your charge
can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required,
unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered
on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them,
offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is
due
when they turn 18
because of the assumption
that
college will help them become
financially
independent.
When you die,
you give them whatever is left.
The
oddest thing
about this reverse-salary scheme
is
that
you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do
more.
BENEFITS: While no
health or dental insurance,
no
pension,
no tuition reimbursement,
no paid
holidays
and no
stock options are offered,
job supplies limitless
opportunities
for personal growth
and free hugs
for life
if you play your cards right.